In Appropriation

In an attempt to keep direction consistent at his preschool and at home, we use the term they recommend: "inappropriate." If there is another child in the room, in this case his cousin Augusta, Noah has a strong tendency to immediately want to play with whatever that child is playing with. After being warned several times that it is inappropriate to take something before the other person is finished, Noah went in for the steal one final time. In response, Mary cut the visit with the grandparents short, and Noah protested adamantly, "I will act appwopwiately! I willll!"

If our school's objective is to make our kids sound so adorable that we can't stay mad at them, then they have succeeded. If their goal is to simply and clearly convey boundaries to our kids, then I'm still not quite sure if Noah gets this word. Since he is a master of appropriation, maybe I can explain the meaning of that word and how he should try to refrain from its practice. Or maybe a word like hurtful would have a better chance of eliciting empathy. Either way, the key is for Noah to consider another person's point of view. Otherwise we will continue playing a perpetual game of tug of war with his impulses and desires as he encounters boundaries by repeatedly bouncing around a dark room.

Appropriate is actually a vague, philosophical and subjective term that is less likely to convey the desired message than a specific and relevant warning. Recent advice that seems to have been effective: "If you touch that thorn, your finger might bleed." In this case the empathy is for his future self. Other instruction has been met with mixed results, often dependent on his current mood. We know that these concepts are not completely lost on Noah, but it is very frustrating to repeat what seem like obvious truths like "you can't kick your sister" or "you really should ask nicely." An additional complication is a disadvantage of specific advice and warnings. Children can take things literally, and circumstances are never exactly the same. Thus, you might need to repeatedly clarify limitations and try to predict all conflicts ahead of time, an issue that laws typically try to avoid by using vague terms like appropriate.

For the most part, we instinctively feel appropriateness. This makes it confusing for us to see our own child hurt a family member, an action which feels so obviously unkind. That's why, for me, it comes back to feelings. For Noah, it feels good to play with what he wants when he wants it, but whether it's because he doesn't want others to take things from him or because he's happy to see how much his cousin enjoys a toy or some other reason, he needs to feel good about not acting on the impulse for this change of behavior to last.