After a long hiatus due to relentless snowstorms, Noah and I recently took one of our random walks around the neighborhood. It was good to catch up with our neighbor, Marge, who might as well change her last name to cookie, because that's always the next word out of Noah's mouth after Marge.
The whole experience of being an outsider was brand new to me when we moved to Lebo. Growing up, I didn't venture outside with other people unless there was a planned activity. In fact, I found walking the streets of my neighborhood so boring that my body would unconsciously start jogging to wherever I was going.
Although we didn't have much to show for it except a cookie and some wet shoes, the experience of taking a stroll around the block, chatting with a few neighbors, and hiding behind the bushes from Noah was exhilarating.
When I come home from work I secretly hope that I won't even get my feet through the door, that Noah will be pressed against the glass like a bull ready to charge the ring. For me, coming home is looking for the next dog to pet, stick to swing, Mini Cooper driving by, or just a random person so he can proclaim, "Hi, I'm Noah. We're going to the Hobby Shop!"
The past two years have brought new meaning to the phrase, "Let's take this outside." Compared to completely different phases of my life, sometimes I've accomplished the least but experienced the most being an outsider with my family.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Works in Progress
I recently came across an Economist article about progress, and it reminded me of a course I took at work on managing change; which, in my world, is typically measured by the floor/stomach food ratio or the average length of bedtime routine. Progress, or development, is a type of change so the close comparison is not surprising; however, the application of these concepts to the behavior of young children is interesting.
The science of change is laid out in this Time Magazine examination of the Obama strategy. If you really want people to change their behavior you need to: convince them that it's a good idea, make the change as easy as possible, utilize the power of peer influence, and provide compelling incentives (both positive and negative). What you're really looking for is the combination of the methods above that accomplish your goal with the least effort and/or the least intervention.
Your "calculation" may need to consider future goals and costs, though, since some of these strategies have diminishing returns. The power of incentives tends to decay over time. Originally, I could convince Noah to eat his dinner if I promised him a cookie. Now he might ask for two cookies, ice cream, to watch his favorite show or simply refuse.
Reason as the primary driver of change is the most desirable, because there's no material cost or lack of supply. This method may be more difficult, though, because of the audience. Mental-state reasoning is a major milestone in child development, when the child begins to understand that other people act on the basis of their own representations of reality rather than on the basis of reality itself. At 2 or 3, most children are still realists, which causes them to make assumptions that most adults wouldn't make. Young children also seem to have transient preferences and desires. I've pretty much stopped even trying the phrase, "You loved that yesterday." They focus less on the future and more on their current, concrete reality (unless they're currently imagining that they're a flying dinosaur hockey player). If it's not an emergency, explaining your point of view is usually worth at least some effort.
Considering extreme examples such as the power of automatic-enrollment 401(k) plans, ease of implementation seems obvious; except, some children prefer the exciting challenge of who can race to the mailbox and back to the changing pad faster over the simplicity of laying their body on the floor to allow their diaper to be changed. The latter can actually take longer and be more dangerous for the parent.
Aside from our beloved nonconformists, peer behavior and pressure can often provide the final nudge of desired behavior. Although the reliance on the wisdom of crowds seems to be a natural tendency with evolutionary benefits, our smaller friends are curious by nature as they try to understand their surroundings and test their boundaries. Anyone potty-training a child can tell you that the "Look, he's doing it." argument is not a reliable tool. We've talked to other parents, though, who said that their child finally wanted to lose the diapers because a friend had.
If you still have the desire to influence your child's behavior and augment their development, typical methods are not useless. They require an understanding of your audience and nuanced adjustments to a typical course of action, combined with a healthy dose of patience. As with adults, there are no magic formulas when it comes to predicting and influencing behavior. Sometimes we feel like we're looping through the same tracks, and our cd player is going to give out; but we continue to explain, involve, assist, cooperate, negotiate and, once in a while, manipulate or coerce. No matter how many tracks it takes, this is our passion: our works in progress.
In all honesty, we can benefit our kids just as much, if not more, by applying the same awareness and techniques to our own behavior. We can start by evaluating our core beliefs, principles and strongest desires. We can be aware of our own tendencies, and then we can develop by formulating a clear argument of why we should change, make it easy for ourselves to accomplish our goals, enlist the help of friends and family as well as noticing how they handle difficult situations, and we can even reward ourselves or make sacrifices in response to our own behavior. Our children can be very perceptive, and even if they don't know the fancy terms they will pick up on our progress.
I almost forgot one of the most important things: make sure you find the humor in it all.
The science of change is laid out in this Time Magazine examination of the Obama strategy. If you really want people to change their behavior you need to: convince them that it's a good idea, make the change as easy as possible, utilize the power of peer influence, and provide compelling incentives (both positive and negative). What you're really looking for is the combination of the methods above that accomplish your goal with the least effort and/or the least intervention.
Your "calculation" may need to consider future goals and costs, though, since some of these strategies have diminishing returns. The power of incentives tends to decay over time. Originally, I could convince Noah to eat his dinner if I promised him a cookie. Now he might ask for two cookies, ice cream, to watch his favorite show or simply refuse.
Reason as the primary driver of change is the most desirable, because there's no material cost or lack of supply. This method may be more difficult, though, because of the audience. Mental-state reasoning is a major milestone in child development, when the child begins to understand that other people act on the basis of their own representations of reality rather than on the basis of reality itself. At 2 or 3, most children are still realists, which causes them to make assumptions that most adults wouldn't make. Young children also seem to have transient preferences and desires. I've pretty much stopped even trying the phrase, "You loved that yesterday." They focus less on the future and more on their current, concrete reality (unless they're currently imagining that they're a flying dinosaur hockey player). If it's not an emergency, explaining your point of view is usually worth at least some effort.
Considering extreme examples such as the power of automatic-enrollment 401(k) plans, ease of implementation seems obvious; except, some children prefer the exciting challenge of who can race to the mailbox and back to the changing pad faster over the simplicity of laying their body on the floor to allow their diaper to be changed. The latter can actually take longer and be more dangerous for the parent.
Aside from our beloved nonconformists, peer behavior and pressure can often provide the final nudge of desired behavior. Although the reliance on the wisdom of crowds seems to be a natural tendency with evolutionary benefits, our smaller friends are curious by nature as they try to understand their surroundings and test their boundaries. Anyone potty-training a child can tell you that the "Look, he's doing it." argument is not a reliable tool. We've talked to other parents, though, who said that their child finally wanted to lose the diapers because a friend had.
If you still have the desire to influence your child's behavior and augment their development, typical methods are not useless. They require an understanding of your audience and nuanced adjustments to a typical course of action, combined with a healthy dose of patience. As with adults, there are no magic formulas when it comes to predicting and influencing behavior. Sometimes we feel like we're looping through the same tracks, and our cd player is going to give out; but we continue to explain, involve, assist, cooperate, negotiate and, once in a while, manipulate or coerce. No matter how many tracks it takes, this is our passion: our works in progress.
In all honesty, we can benefit our kids just as much, if not more, by applying the same awareness and techniques to our own behavior. We can start by evaluating our core beliefs, principles and strongest desires. We can be aware of our own tendencies, and then we can develop by formulating a clear argument of why we should change, make it easy for ourselves to accomplish our goals, enlist the help of friends and family as well as noticing how they handle difficult situations, and we can even reward ourselves or make sacrifices in response to our own behavior. Our children can be very perceptive, and even if they don't know the fancy terms they will pick up on our progress.
I almost forgot one of the most important things: make sure you find the humor in it all.
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