Living on a Square

Before our kids were born, Mary and I took quite a few road trips. We went to the beach, visited friends and family, and even enjoyed romantic getaways. Now our ventures are usually few and far between, but our mileage picks up in the summer.

"Daddy, but how are we getting to the beach?"

"We're on our way. We're driving on the highway."

"But why are we driving on the highway?"

"Because we can go fast."

Sometimes we feel like the questions and wining will never end, but we can thank Dora for helping to ease the pain of long trips. Her annoying friend ("I'm the map!") has helped Noah understand how journeys work and how to plan a trip. After both of us got frustrated during his line of questioning, I reached behind Mary's head rest and drew an imaginary map on the square surface, "First we'll drive over the mountains. Then we'll drive through the train town. Then we'll drive through the woods. Then we'll drive on the really big highway. Then we'll drive around a city to our hotel." The specific description of our plan and landmarks for him to spot worked pretty well if you don't count the six times he asked, "Can you show me that map again?" He also felt special when we'd tell him that we were looking for a rest stop with a great playroom for him to run around.

We did the same thing for our trip to Boston, and the exciting people-mover walkways and security "checkpoint" helped as well. We just have to make sure that we don't forget any important details on the itinerary. Otherwise Noah will chastise us for not following the plan. Anuj, Maria, and Nujy's parents took turns playing "knock down" with Noah, where he knocks them down on the grass and they get up for more. Noah also fell in love with Indian musical TV. Squal's wedding was a blast and well worth the trip, and he knocked us off our feet with three big surprises. Their official on-the-alter wedding kiss was a coming-home-from-war makeout session; They had an impressively choreographed wedding dance; The grand finale was Pasqual singing Bon Jovi with the band at the reception as if he were true blue Jerz.

Whether you're living on a square or living on a prayer, hold on! We just might be halfway there.

In Appropriation

In an attempt to keep direction consistent at his preschool and at home, we use the term they recommend: "inappropriate." If there is another child in the room, in this case his cousin Augusta, Noah has a strong tendency to immediately want to play with whatever that child is playing with. After being warned several times that it is inappropriate to take something before the other person is finished, Noah went in for the steal one final time. In response, Mary cut the visit with the grandparents short, and Noah protested adamantly, "I will act appwopwiately! I willll!"

If our school's objective is to make our kids sound so adorable that we can't stay mad at them, then they have succeeded. If their goal is to simply and clearly convey boundaries to our kids, then I'm still not quite sure if Noah gets this word. Since he is a master of appropriation, maybe I can explain the meaning of that word and how he should try to refrain from its practice. Or maybe a word like hurtful would have a better chance of eliciting empathy. Either way, the key is for Noah to consider another person's point of view. Otherwise we will continue playing a perpetual game of tug of war with his impulses and desires as he encounters boundaries by repeatedly bouncing around a dark room.

Appropriate is actually a vague, philosophical and subjective term that is less likely to convey the desired message than a specific and relevant warning. Recent advice that seems to have been effective: "If you touch that thorn, your finger might bleed." In this case the empathy is for his future self. Other instruction has been met with mixed results, often dependent on his current mood. We know that these concepts are not completely lost on Noah, but it is very frustrating to repeat what seem like obvious truths like "you can't kick your sister" or "you really should ask nicely." An additional complication is a disadvantage of specific advice and warnings. Children can take things literally, and circumstances are never exactly the same. Thus, you might need to repeatedly clarify limitations and try to predict all conflicts ahead of time, an issue that laws typically try to avoid by using vague terms like appropriate.

For the most part, we instinctively feel appropriateness. This makes it confusing for us to see our own child hurt a family member, an action which feels so obviously unkind. That's why, for me, it comes back to feelings. For Noah, it feels good to play with what he wants when he wants it, but whether it's because he doesn't want others to take things from him or because he's happy to see how much his cousin enjoys a toy or some other reason, he needs to feel good about not acting on the impulse for this change of behavior to last.

Works in Progress

I recently came across an Economist article about progress, and it reminded me of a course I took at work on managing change; which, in my world, is typically measured by the floor/stomach food ratio or the average length of bedtime routine. Progress, or development, is a type of change so the close comparison is not surprising; however, the application of these concepts to the behavior of young children is interesting.

The science of change is laid out in this Time Magazine examination of the Obama strategy. If you really want people to change their behavior you need to: convince them that it's a good idea, make the change as easy as possible, utilize the power of peer influence, and provide compelling incentives (both positive and negative). What you're really looking for is the combination of the methods above that accomplish your goal with the least effort and/or the least intervention.


Your "calculation" may need to consider future goals and costs, though, since some of these strategies have diminishing returns. The power of incentives tends to decay over time. Originally, I could convince Noah to eat his dinner if I promised him a cookie. Now he might ask for two cookies, ice cream, to watch his favorite show or simply refuse.

Reason as the primary driver of change is the most desirable, because there's no material cost or lack of supply. This method may be more difficult, though, because of the audience. Mental-state reasoning is a major milestone in child development, when the child begins to understand that other people act on the basis of their own representations of reality rather than on the basis of reality itself. At 2 or 3, most children are still realists, which causes them to make assumptions that most adults wouldn't make. Young children also seem to have transient preferences and desires. I've pretty much stopped even trying the phrase, "You loved that yesterday." They focus less on the future and more on their current, concrete reality (unless they're currently imagining that they're a flying dinosaur hockey player). If it's not an emergency, explaining your point of view is usually worth at least some effort.

Considering extreme examples such as the power of automatic-enrollment 401(k) plans, ease of implementation seems obvious; except, some children prefer the exciting challenge of who can race to the mailbox and back to the changing pad faster over the simplicity of laying their body on the floor to allow their diaper to be changed. The latter can actually take longer and be more dangerous for the parent.

Aside from our beloved nonconformists, peer behavior and pressure can often provide the final nudge of desired behavior. Although the reliance on the wisdom of crowds seems to be a natural tendency with evolutionary benefits, our smaller friends are curious by nature as they try to understand their surroundings and test their boundaries. Anyone potty-training a child can tell you that the "Look, he's doing it." argument is not a reliable tool. We've talked to other parents, though, who said that their child finally wanted to lose the diapers because a friend had.

If you still have the desire to influence your child's behavior and augment their development, typical methods are not useless. They require an understanding of your audience and nuanced adjustments to a typical course of action, combined with a healthy dose of patience. As with adults, there are no magic formulas when it comes to predicting and influencing behavior. Sometimes we feel like we're looping through the same tracks, and our cd player is going to give out; but we continue to explain, involve, assist, cooperate, negotiate and, once in a while, manipulate or coerce. No matter how many tracks it takes, this is our passion: our works in progress.


In all honesty, we can benefit our kids just as much, if not more, by applying the same awareness and techniques to our own behavior. We can start by evaluating our core beliefs, principles and strongest desires. We can be aware of our own tendencies, and then we can develop by formulating a clear argument of why we should change, make it easy for ourselves to accomplish our goals, enlist the help of friends and family as well as noticing how they handle difficult situations, and we can even reward ourselves or make sacrifices in response to our own behavior. Our children can be very perceptive, and even if they don't know the fancy terms they will pick up on our progress.

I almost forgot one of the most important things: make sure you find the humor in it all.